Danny Quinn was quietly drinking in a pub when he was asked by Mick Mulligan, "Is it true that you have 14 children?"   "True, 'tis true."  Replied Quinn.  Mulligan was amazed with this astonishing fact and inquired further, "Do you love them all?"  Quinn replied, "Love them all?  I don't even know half their names!"

Doolin lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as he was old. His only son Paddy, who used to help him,
was in prison.  Doolin wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Dear Paddy,  I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad"  The prison censors, who read all the mail, allowed the letter through.  A few days later Doolin received a letter from his son.
" Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that field! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love Paddy"
 At 4am the next morning, the police arrived and dug up the entire field without finding any bodies. They apologized to Doolin and left. That next day the Doolin received another letter from his son. "Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love Paddy"

A Dublin man told his doctor that he could no longer do as much around the house as he used to. He didn't seem to have the energy for any chores.  The doctor gave him a thorough examination and at the end the guy said: "OK, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English, what's wrong with me?"  "Well" said the doctor, "in plain English, you're just lazy."  "OK" said the guy "now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife"

An Irish man is sittin' in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in.  The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The
first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a shameful thief."  The Irishman
just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he
goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a scandalous womanizer!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So
the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks
over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin'."

Flannagan walks into a curio shop in Dublin.  Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat.  It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it.  He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"  The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story".  Flannagan gives the man $12 and says, I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."  As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins
walking faster.  But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing.  He begins to trot toward the River Liffy, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.  Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the river Liffy, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Liffy after it, and are all drowned.  Flannagan walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"  "No," says Flannagan, "I came back to see if you have a bronze statue of Queen of England."

A young Dublin Solicitor was involved in a dreadful car smash.  The entire side of his BMW was ripped away, along with his arm.  "My car, my car" he
groaned.  The patrolman weighed up the extent of the injuries and said: "Sir, I think you ought to be more concerned about your arm than your car."
The Solicitor looked down in horror at where his arm used to be and screamed,  "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."  Father Murphy asks, "Is that you, Tommy Shaughnessy?"  "Aye, Father, it is." "And who was the woman you were with lad?"  "Well sure, and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't' want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"  "I canna' say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?"  "I'll never tell" "Was it Liz Shannon?"  "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her Father."  "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."  "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I canna' tell you."  Father Murphy sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you most atone.  For your penance, say the Lord's Paryer.  Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get."  "Five good leads," says Tommy.

Where the rest of the world would say – "This problem is very serious, but not impossible."  The Irishman would say – "This is impossible, but not very serious."

Paddy & Sean are hunting out in the woods when Sean falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. Paddy starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "Begorra! Help! My friend just died. He’s Dead! What can I do? "The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he’s dead." There’s
a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!! Paddy comes back on the line and says, ‘OK, now what?"

Irish Friendship
1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry jerk that made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
4. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
5. When you are confused - I will use little words.
6. When you are sick - Stay the heck away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
7. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.
8. When you are in jail - I will be right beside you saying, "Wow! That was fun!"
Remember: A good friend will help you move. An Irish friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had the important meeting of his career and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Danny Doolan applied for an engineering position at the Dublin Refinery. An Englishman applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Doolan and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Englishman the job." Doolan demanded, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and all, and me being Irish, I should get the job!" The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you missed." Doolan then shouted: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied: "Simple, the Limy put down on question #4; ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I."

Casey kept a cat for companionship and he loved it dearly.  At Christmas he was going to the States for the holiday and asked his brother to look after the cat while he was gone. As soon as he arrived in the U.S. he called his brother and asked, "How is my cat?" His brother said, "Your cat died." Casey was in shock, "Dear God, did you have to tell me that way?" His brother asked, "How else can I tell you that the cat is dead?" Casey responded "You could have led me up to it gradually. You could have told me that my cat was on the roof, but the fire department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me they dropped him and he was injured. Then when I called on the third night, you could have told me that the doctor did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn’t have been such a shock. By the way," Casey continued, "how is mother?" To which his brother said, "Oh, she’s up on the roof, but the fire department is getting her down."

Mick & Sean wanted to go hunting on old farmer Murphy’s land. As they pulled up to the farmhouse Sean told Mick, "You wait here while I ask Murphy permission." Sean walked to the door and made his request to Murphy. Murphy replied, "Ok, but under one condition. I need you to do me a big favor. See my old mule? He is old and lame and needs to be put down, but I’ve had him for so long that I just don’t have the heart to do it myself. I need you to do it for me." Sean said, "I can’t shoot a mule." Murphy begged, "It needs to be done, he’s in a lot of pain. Please help me out." "Well," said Sean "if that’s the case, I’ll do it for you." Murphy thanked him and Sean started back to the truck for his rifle. As he walked he thought to himself that he would play a big trick on his friend. "Mick, that no good Murphy said NO, and after we drove all the way here. I’m so mad I’m goin’ shoot his mule!" "What!" Exclaimed Mick. "You can’t do that, we’ll go to jail!" "Well stand back, I’m mad and I’m goin’ shoot his mule." So Sean grabbed his rifle, walked back toward the mule and bang, shot him dead. From behind, Sean heard three more shots, Bang! Bang! Bang! There was Mick with his rifle, "Hey, I got three of his cows!"

Many years ago there was a young man named Paddy Flanagan. Paddy lived far back in the Hills of Connamara, in the West of Ireland. When Paddy turned 18 he answered his Nation’s call and joined the Irish Navy.  On his first day of boot camp, the Navy issued him a toothbrush.
That afternoon, a Navy dentist yanked several of his teeth.  On his second day, the Navy issued him a comb.  That afternoon, a Navy barber sheared his head.  On his third day, the Navy issued him a jock strap.  The Navy is still looking for Paddy.

An American visiting Ireland is a passenger in a taxi. After some time of silent driving he tapped the driver, Murphy, on the shoulder to ask him

An American visiting Ireland is a passenger in a taxi. After some time of silent driving he tapped the driver, Murphy, on the shoulder to ask him the time.   Murphy screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.  For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then Murphy said, " Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."  The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said, I didn’t realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten you so much.  To which the driver replied, "I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab.  I had been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Casey, a farmer in Co. Cork, got on his cart and rode several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the cottage door. A young lad,
about 12, opened the door. "Would your Da be at home?" Casey asked. "No sir, he sure ain’t," the boy replied. "He went to town." "Well then," said Casey. "Is the good woman of the house in them?""No, she ain’t here neither. She went to town with Da." "Well then, how about himself, your brother Sean, is he here?" "No sir, he went with Da and Ma." Casey stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "Mr. Casey, is there anything I can do for ya?" inquired the lad politely.  I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one; or maybe I could take a message for me Da." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Da. Tis’ about your brother Sean getting me daughter, Colleen, pregnant."  The boy considered for a moment, "Yep, you would have to talk to me Da about that," he finally conceded.  "I know that Da charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but I don’t know how much he charges for Sean."

A few days before Christmas, Flanagan, who lives in Ireland, calls his son in New York. He says "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery are enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" The son screams. "We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "No way are they getting divorced!" She shouts. "I’ll take care of this." Immediately she calls Ireland and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until we get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there by Christmas Eve. Until then, don’t do a single thing. DO YOU HERE ME?" and she hangs up. Flanagan hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful woman are riding together in a train. As the train goes through a tunnel it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! As train comes out of the tunnel the woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. The Englishman is thinking, "Blast it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me." The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped." The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!

A tipsy Hogan gets on a bus in Ireland and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.  "About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says Hogan "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to him: "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says Hogan "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a Heck of a long time between New Years and Christmas!" 

'Mr Murphy,' said the boarding house landlady, 'I wonder if you would do me a great favor and change the light bulb in the dining room?' 'Certainly,' said Murphy. Taking the bulb in his hand he stepped on to the highly polished dining table in his hobnailed boots and proceeded to set about the task. 'Hold on,' exclaimed the startled landlady, 'I'll get a sheet of paper to go under your feet.' 'No need,' said Murphy, 'I can reach already.'

A Spaniard on vacation in Ireland struck up a conversation with Murphy. He happened to use the word 'mañana'. Murphy asked him to explain what 'mañana' meant. The Spaniard said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" He then asked the Irishman if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No, in Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency", replied Murphy.

What It Means To Be Irish:
1) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner or holds political office.
2) You swear very well.
3) You think you sing very well.
4) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
5) There isn’t a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone...
6) Much of your childhood meals were boiled.
7) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.
8) You’re strangely poetic after a few beers.
9) You are, therefore, poetic a lot.
10) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.
11) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
12) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Katherine or Eileen... and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Katherine Eileen.
13) Someone in your family is incredibly cheap. It is more than likely you.
14) You may not know the words, but that doesn’t stop you from singing.
15) You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are...but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
16) There was not a huge difference between your last Wake and your last keg party.
17) You are, or know someone, named Murph.
18) If you don’t know Murph then you know Mac. If you don’t know Murph or Mac then you know Sully. Then you probably know Sully McMurphy.
19) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
20) You have Irish Alzheimer’s... you forget everything but a grudge!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.  ‘You’ve done very well so far,’ said the show’s host, but for the million dollar question you’ve only got one life-line left: phone a  friend.  Everything is riding on this question...will you go for it?’  ‘Sure,’ said Mick,’ I’ll have a go!’  ‘Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?  a) Sparrow b) Thrush c) Magpie d) Cuckoo’  ‘I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ‘so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin.’  Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.  ‘Ya daft Mick!’ cried Paddy, ‘Dat’s simple...it’s a cuckoo.’  ‘Are you sure?’  ‘I’m sure.’  Mick hung up the phone and told the host, ‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’  ‘Is that your final answer?’ asked the host.’  ‘Dat it is, Sir.’  There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, ‘Cuckoo is the correct answer!  Mick, you’ve won 1 million dollars!’  The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.’  Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?’  ‘For heaven’s sake, Mick, he lives in a bloody clock!’

An Englishman, a Scott and our man Paddy Irishman die and find themselves at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.   St. Peter asks the Englishman, “What is Easter?”  The Englishman replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in America when the yanks all get together, eat turkey, and are thankful.”  “Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the Scott the same question, “What is Easter?”  The Scott replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”  St. Peter looks at the Scott, shakes his head in disgust, tells him he’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at Paddy and asks, “What is Easter?”   Paddy smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes. “Sur, I know what Easter is.”  “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.  “Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”  St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.  Then Paddy continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

Paddy was picked up on a theft charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"