Katie Gallagher’s father: "Do you think that you could support my daughter if you married her?"
Young Danaher: "Yes, sir."
Katie’s father: "Have you seen her eat?"
Danaher: "Sure and I have."
Katie’s father: "Have you seen her eat when there’s nobody looking?"

Mary-Kate shuffled into the church supporting O’Toole, the inebriated groom-to-be. They were standing at the altar when Father Murphy approached and said that the man was drunk and that he would not perform the ceremony. "Take him away from here," said the priest, "and bring him back when he’s sober." But Father!" cried Mary-Kate, "he won’t come when he is sober."

Doolan, an Irish farmer from a remote area of County Cork, and his family were visiting Dublin for the first time.  Doolan, who had never before been
inside a high rise office building let alone seen an elevator, was standing in the lobby with his son where they noticed a row of shiny metal doors built into the wall.  An overweight middle aged woman approached one of the shiny doors and pushed a button on the wall.  The doors opened, the woman stepped inside and the doors closed.  Doolan and his son watched the numbers above the doors light up one by one until the light reached the top number, then they watched the numbers illuminate in the reverse order until the light reached the number one.  The shiny doors opened and out walked a beautiful young woman.  Doolan turned to his son and whispered, "Quick, get your mother."

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."  The mother agrees so the next day he brings along three beautiful women and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says:  "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."  She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."  "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"  "I don't like her."

A Waterford wife was keeping a close eye on her new neighbors. "They seem perfectly devoted to each other," she told her husband.  "He kisses her every time he goes out and even blows kisses to her from the window. Why don't you do that?"  "Well I could, but I hardly know the woman"

Mrs. O'Brien to Mrs. Flannagan, "My husband is on a strict diet.  He's losing 5 pounds a week.  So in a year and a half I'll be rid of him for good."

Little Sean asked his father, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"  The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. You call him a bachelor.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking as if he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little fella, O'Conner?" says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."  "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.  Didn't you havesomething in your hand?"  "That I did," said Paddy. "I was holding Jimie's wife, and a thing of beauty she is, but totally useless in a fight."

Casey, a farmer in Co. Cork, got on his cart and rode several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the cottage door. A young lad, about 12, opened the door. "Would your Da be at home?" Casey asked. "No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town." "Well then," said Casey.  "Is the good woman of the house in them?""No, she ain't here neither. She went to town with Da." "Well then, how about himself, your brother Sean, is he here?" "No sir, he went with Da and Ma." Casey stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "Mr. Casey, is there anything I can do for ya?" inquired the lad politely. I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one; or maybe I could take a message for me Da." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Da. Tis' about your brother Sean getting me daughter, Colleen, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment "Yep, you would have to talk to me Da about that," he finally conceded. "I know that Da charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Sean."

As a new bride, Aunt Mary moved into the cottage on her husband’s farm near Dublin. She put a fancy box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband to never touch it. For fifty years Uncle Sean left the box alone, until Aunt Mary was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box and thought it might hold something important. Opening the box, he found two dollies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to Mary and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you". "Uncle Sean was touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice as there were only two dollies in the box. "What about the $82,500?" he asked. "Oh, that would be the money I’ve made selling the doilies."

The teacher wrote to Paddy’s mother and said, "Paddy is a bright boy, but he seems to spend all his time thinking about girls." Paddy’s mother wrote back, "If you find a cure, let me know. I’m having the same trouble with his father."

Mr. & Mrs. O’Shea were celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary in their small village in County Kerry. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple." A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained Mr. O’Shea. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That’s one." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That’s two." We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What’s wrong with you, Mary Kate? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That’s one." "And from that moment we have lived happily ever after".

Flanagan went to his fiancée’s home to have a serious talk with her father. Flanagan said, "Sir, I’d like to marry your daughter." The father asked, "Have you seen my wife yet?" "Sure, and she is a fine woman," said Flanagan, "but if you don’t mind, I would still prefer your daughter."

O’Malley left work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

On their way to get married, a young Irish couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Patrick to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder if they could get married in Heaven. When St. Patrick shows up, they asked him and he says he didn’t know but would find out. The couple sat and waited for an answer ..... for a couple of months.  While they waited, they discussed IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married? The eternal aspect begins to bother them. What if it doesn’t work? Does that mean we are stuck with each other forever? After yet another month, St. Patrick finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Patrick, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "OH, COME ON!" St. Patrick shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer!"

Murphy tells the psychiatrist, "Doc, my wife treats me like a dog!" "Well relax on the couch," said the doctor, "and tell me about it." "But doc," Murphy replied,
"I’m not allowed on the couch!"

Kennedy: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ‘til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it. Finnegin: What on earth is she doin’ at that time? Kennedy: Waitin’ for me to come home.

Dr. O’Malley after examining Mr. Murphy, took the wife aside, and said, "I don’t like the looks of your husband at all". "Me neither doc," said Mrs. Murphy. "But he’s got a great job and he’s really good with the kids."

Paddy calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to England with my boss and several of his friends for a fishing trip.  We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?  We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.  Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
Paddy says, 'Yes! Lots of salmon and some trout.  But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?  The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".

Mary O’Brien awakes during the night to find that her husband Mick was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. Mick appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" "Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"

Bob received a free ticket to the Super bowl from his company.  Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!  About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat, 10 rows up from the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.  As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"  The man said "No."  Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super bowl and not use it?!"  The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but Mrs. Murphy passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."  "That's really sad," said Bob, "But couldn't you find someone to take the seat, a relative or a close friend?" "No," Mr. Murphy replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Paddy asked his wife, "What would you be wanting for Valentine's Day?'  She answered, "Anything with diamonds!"  So Paddy bought her a deck of cards.

Years ago, during the ‘troubles’, the IRA had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Paddy, Mick & Kathleen.  For the final test, the IRA men lead Paddy to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  ‘We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... kill her!!’  Paddy said,  ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’   The agent said,  ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home.’  Mick was given the same instructions.  He took the gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes until Mick came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’  The agent said,  ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’  Finally, it was Kathleen’s turn. She was given the instructions, kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after another, then screaming, crashing and banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood Kathleen, wiping the sweat from her brow.  ‘This gun is loaded with blanks’, she said.  ‘I had to beat him to death with the chair.’ 

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor.
"Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."  Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Sean and his wife Colleen, were both keen golfers. Colleen was feeling neglected and wanted to know how much he loved her. "If I die tomorrow", she said, "and you remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?"  "What an awful thing to ask" exclaimed Sean. "But no, of course not"  "And would you give her any of my clothes?" "No, honey, of course not"  "What about my golf clubs?" "No, she's left handed."